The Power of a Whisper has been a vehicle to give you clarity, hope and vision. It really struck home this weekend. I got a text from a friend recently that said:
“How do you stop the spinning out of control thoughts?”
“How do I keep moving forward?”
The question came at an interesting time for me, since I had just spent most of my night spinning and swirling exactly the way they were talking about. It’s amazing how one minute you can think you’re doing fine and then the next minute you see something you didn’t mean to see online, or the person who was supposed to call doesn’t call, or the pieces of the puzzle of your life don’t fall exactly as you planned—and suddenly you realize how fragile you’ve been all along.
That’s where I was. It’s where they were, too.
So I called. We talked for maybe 20 minutes, but 20 minutes was all it took. What I said on our call was really what I was telling myself. I should have been looking in a mirror. In case it helps, I thought I’d pass it on to you, too.
Here’s how you keep moving forward when you are out of sorts.
Tell yourself how normal this is.
Sometimes half the challenge is just reminding ourselves we aren’t crazy. We walk around the world most days, looking at all the people so perfectly dressed and perfectly put together, and assume we are the only ones struggling. We assume we’re the only ones with toxic thoughts, with messed up beliefs, with bad days.
We’re the only ones who cry in our beds at night eating a pint of French silk ice cream.
It is this lie that keeps us isolated, that keeps us feeling like something must be wrong with us, that keeps us stuck in a pit of shame, rather acceptance and love. Most of the battle is just reminding ourselves, “this is so normal.” This is a part of the human experience. Everyone who has ever lived and loved has felt this feeling. It won’t last forever. It will be better tomorrow.”
You are normal. This is normal. You are going to be okay.
I told them to put their 5 best friends on speed dial—the kind of friends who don’t require you to put on any kind of performance in order to be friends with them, the kind who let you just show up and be you regardless. I said call those friends when you’re feeling this way.
Call all of them.
When they answered, you don’t really need to say anything except maybe, “I’m feeling sad,” or “I’m heartbroken,” or “I’m not okay right now…” I’m not sure why our tendency is to isolate when we are feeling this way, but this would be missing the point.
Sadly, some of us don’t even have 5 peeps to call – this is the very time to reach out, stay connected, stay with.
Make peace with what is true.
You do not have to do-anything right now. You simply need to make peace with what is true.” That was such a comfort to my anxious, busy, perfectionistic self. Why is it that, when our thoughts are spinning and swirling, our first instinct is to DO? Why do we want so badly to perform, hustle, act, go, change, call, drive, fix, control?
When the ONE thing that would bring us peace is to sit still, to be with ourselves and to accept what is true. You do not need to fix, change, alter, or grow. Not yet. All you need to do is make peace.
It’s surrender. Not struggle.
What does true look like:
⦁ I want _______ but I can’t have it right now
⦁ I am sad
⦁ I may not be “okay” for awhile
⦁ I am adjusting to a new normal
⦁ I do not feel strong today
⦁ I feel overwhelmed
What if it is not your circumstances that are making you miserable, like you imagined, but what if what is making you miserable is your resistance to your circumstances?
Can you allow the things that are true to be true? After all, they ARE true, whether you allow them to be or not.
When we let go of expectation and come into agreement with Truth, we find the source of strength and love and acceptance and joy.
You connect to love.
I asked what the worst part of all of this was. I wasn’t surprised when they told me they were dealing with feelings of rejection and self-confidence. The words that kept ringing over and over again, went like this:
Why couldn’t or wouldn’t [they] love me?
Why wasn’t I enough?
These feelings of rejection, by the way, seem like they are coming from the outside, but the truth is they are an inside job. Always. The most painful rejection you can ever experience is the rejection of yourself.
Over and over again we reject ourselves, lie to ourselves, pretend to be people who we are not, act like we are okay when we are NOT okay, and then we wonder why we feel so terribly alone and isolated. It’s because no one can connect to an invisible person. The loneliest place in the world is to have rejected oneself. Be present…please
The only cure for rejection is love. Just love. Love is available to us always and in abundance—as much of it as we can handle, as much as we can stand. As we learn to let love in, to fully accept ourselves without judgement, to embrace who we are even though it is not exactly who we want to be, love begins to manifest itself in our lives.
If you don’t accept yourself… if you don’t receive yourself… who will?
You redefine failure
My friend told me on the phone they were worried they had wasted too much time with this person – waiting and wondering if things were going to “work out” for them, giving all grace, patience and benefits of doubt. I understood exactly what they were talking about.
I find it odd and frustrating that the only definition we have in our culture for the success or failure of a relationship is if it ends. This is the only rubric we’ve been given. You hear this come through even in the way we talk about relationships. We say things like, “it didn’t work out…”
But what if it DID work out—exactly as it was meant to—and we just need a new way to talk about it?
Here’s the crazy thing to think about: every relationship in your life WILL END! Every single one. Whether because of death or divorce or change of heart or change of direction, every relationship in your life will come to an end at some point or another. Heartbreak is as much a part of the human experience birth, death and falling in love.
We need a new way to decide if a relationship has succeeded.
The incredible investment you make into a relationship was something you get to take with you. It wasn’t like putting coins into a piggy bank they were now leaving behind. In fact, it was more like a lottery ticket. This person, this relationship, this apparent “failure” was like a winning lottery ticket, if they would allow it to be that way.
Their heart hadn’t only been broken. It had been BROKEN OPEN.
And what you chose to do with that open heart is up to them. Think of it less like a piggy bank that was yanked from your grasp and more like a piñata. They’d been given a good whack, sure, but now there was candy flying everywhere and children were laughing – one of the most joyful sounds in the world.
Your treasures were abounding—even if they couldn’t quite see them yet.
And I shared my new list to help me define “success” in a relationship:
⦁ How will you share the truth of who we are? ⦁ How will you honor and respect each other, as individuals? ⦁ How will you help each other become your best selves? ⦁ How do we lighten the load for each other instead of making it heavier? ⦁ How do we leave each other better than we found each other?
I know it seems like its all your fault and you are the one who ruined everything and, if only you had done this or that differently, the whole thing would have been salvaged. That is not true. This is not your fault. You could not have seen this coming. You were doing the best you could.
You are not a failure.
You are exactly where you are meant to be.
Do this when you are not feeling overwhelmed, so you can go back and read them when you are feeling overwhelmed, when the lies are louder than normal, when you aren’t feeling okay.
⦁ I am beautiful ⦁ I am exactly where I am meant to be ⦁ My life is perfectly unfolding ⦁ I am safe and protected ⦁ I have everything I need ⦁ I am not defined by what anyone thinks of me ⦁ I am deeply loved ⦁ Nothing I do (or don’t do) changes how loved I am
We do not always live from our most authentic, truest selves, but that doesn’t mean they cease to exist. That quiet place inside of us—the one that is overflowing and abundant with love, peace and happiness—is always available to us, even if we don’t access it. So when you think about the truth of who you are, don’t think about the mistakes you’ve made or the ways you’ve fallen short.
Think about the fact that you are made in a heavenly image.
At your core, you are pure light and beauty.
Call that out of yourself.
You let go of beliefs that do not serve you.
You will find—in the midsts of pain, more than almost any other season—a litany of beliefs that are driving your life but which you didn’t know you had. Beliefs about yourself. Beliefs about men, women, all of us. Beliefs about relationships in general. Work consciously and completely on letting go of these false beliefs.
It is the HARDEST job there is. But it is your only job.
In fact, this job is so difficult, your mind will do anything it can to get out of doing it. It’s like a teenage kid who has been told to do his chores. Instead of re-routing old beliefs, you’ll find yourself spinning with hundreds of destructive thoughts… it’s all distraction.
This is what drives you to drink or eat a pint of ice cream right before you go to bed. This is all your way of getting out of the work. It’s the escape from responsibility.
It feels nice for a minute. But it is keeping you stuck.
So, when you find yourself spinning and swirling, ask yourself: what is the negative belief that is taking me to this dark place? What is the rut that my brain is stuck in? Am I willing—finally, finally—to let it go?
You are the only one who can free yourself from the trap of negative thoughts. You have all the power.
You are ready. You got this. You have everything you need, everything it takes. You are not alone. And everything, everything, everything is waiting on you.